How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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