I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I think I just sharted jello shots
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
