Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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