I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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