Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
40s are totally the cure
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I lost the right to judge tonight
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Randomize
