did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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