im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
