The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
