my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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