I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
