Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
