When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
