You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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