I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize