Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
