I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize