I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
