The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
