I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
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