the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
