Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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