I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
