i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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