dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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