No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
