I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I want to fling myself into the sun
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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