Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize