i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i think my tv is drunk
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
