I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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