The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
