I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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