Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
