explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
