Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
