hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
