I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
