I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize