Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
