She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
