I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize