living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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