Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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