So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
