you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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