He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
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