you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I stole a fireplace last night.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
