the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I looked at my own cervix.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
