you guys were way drunker than both of me
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
