On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
