I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
