Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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