Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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