i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
my being single is dangerous.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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