I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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