DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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