two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
