who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
