Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Randomize
