she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
