tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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