Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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