I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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